Oh, relationships. Isn’t it wonderful be with someone who cares for you, is supportive and gets along with your mom? Sounds good to me. But can the relationship be too good to be true? Personally I don’t think so. Why can’t you have a good relationship? In fact, that type of thinking can ignite your self-sabotage process. You know that thing you do when you interfere, delay, hinder, or even ruin something you want. Self sabotage. Wait, what? But why would you ruin your own relationship you ask?
Webster defines fear as the belief that someone or something is dangerous, and likely to cause pain. So if anyone is going to be hurt it may as well be your significant other and not you right? Wrong! Unfortunately, too many people mismanage their fear by simply ruining or sabotaging their own relationships. But until you face and deal with what you’re afraid of, it will only resurface in another relationship. Remember, no unnecessary heart break.
So before you go and sabotage another relationship, let’s face your fears and regain your power. So as you continue down the list, reflect on how you try and ruin the relationship to gain a better understanding of what you’re running away from.
1) Fear of commitment
Does the idea of being with one person forever freak you out? Do you tend to ruin the relationship by looking elsewhere? Do you believe in commitment? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you are afraid of commitment. Fortunately, only you know why (reflect on your past relationships and childhood experiences.) The more serious the relationship, the stronger the price of the commitment may feel. A promise connected with emotions as unstable as emotions are at times can be scary. But give yourself a little more credit. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. Be sure to try your best and your partner should do the same. If your best is not good enough for that person they simply aren’t the person for you. Most importantly, do not force yourself to be in a committed relationship if you are not ready to commit. It is not fair to yourself because you will hold resentment in your heart towards your significant other and you’re also wasting the time of someone who is ready for a relationship. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
2) Fear of Vulnerability
Do you have a habit of suddenly becoming very guarded with your significant other? Has your significant other seen you without makeup or a fresh hair cut? Have you cried in front of your significant other? Being vulnerable can be very scary. Revealing your fears, dreams, and past to someone can make you feel weak. But that’s what a solid relationships is: a safe place to rest, vent and regroup when you feel weak. When you can fully let your guard down and reveal it all in the presence covered by the love of someone, you have a true friend indeed. (Whether they are a friend or a significant other.) This fear is not unrealistic, however you should use caution. You can’t avoid vulnerability in a relationship but it takes time to grow trust.
3) Fear of Companionship
Do you often feel smothered or feel like you’re always with each other? Or known to isolate yourself? Now fear of companionship and commitment are two different fears. A companion is a person who you are in frequent company of. The whole “us becoming one” idea can be scary and everyone has their own definition of “clingy”. Some people love and need more of their “me time” than others. (Be mindful are you missing your “me time” or have you notice something that you cannot be around? A deal breaker?) Don’t be afraid to express that to your significant other. Ask for some space in a loving way and soon before you become frustrated. Relationships are about compromise. You will have to give up some of your “me time” for “we time.” The question is, are they worth it?
4) Fear of rejection
Do you find yourself ruining an emotional “moment”? That pause after a deep conversation reveals something special. Or are you disconnecting emotionally? Why? Are you afraid that you’re the only one who feels that connection? Unfortunately, rejection is a possibility of dating. Instead of pushing away from your significant other, communication is vital to help remove the uncertainty. I’m not saying you have to be the “I love you, No I love you more couple.,” But figure out if you are on the same page emotionally and are headed in the same direction. Talk to and listen to each other. Yes actions do speak loud, but words will help you understand their intent.
5) Fear of feeling inadequate
Do you tend to lash out? Take comments too personally? Very defensive? Over think? Do you feel the relationship is “too good to be true” because you are not good enough? Listen, we all have flaws. I don’t believe in the saying of “too good to be true” because I know I deserve the very best and you do too. You want someone who believes that your “for better” is worth dealing with your “for worse.” Your significant other has a list of deal breakers just like you do. You want someone who loves all of you and can handle your worst. Point. Blank. Period. If you feel like what you have is not good enough to offer then you have some work to do on yourself. No matter how much love someone else is willing to give to you. You won’t know how to fully appreciate it until you learn to love yourself.
Self-sabotage – a defense mechanism we use to protect ourselves from our fears. Unfortunately it only gives our fears power over us. Face your fears. Regain your power.
I’m Just Saying..